strolling with grandma

ama, ama!

oooooei..... why?

ama, ama! what are you doing?

ama, ama! what is this?

ama, ama! can i have that?

that night, i was tired. but it was like every other night.. after a long day at work.. i was mentally exhausted... so it didnt feel any different.... except i didnt doze off immediately upon hitting the sack.

i thought about my grandma. no... they just filled up my mind. i remembered calling out to her and she would answer me... pulling her Os long and sounding it low but clear. i could go on.. and on, just to hear her saying the ooooeis... i thought i was going to fall asleep but everything about her rushed back.. and all of a sudden, i realised how much i've really missed her... and all the experiences i had with her...

i guess i must have been missing her... a lot... ever since she left, for good. but i thought my readings into buddhism during recent years have taught me to cope better.. but indeed, bcoz i saw how distraughted my mum was when grandma left. my mum cried a lot whenever she thought about my grandma, and sometimes it was heart-breaking to see her so sad. a part of me told me that grandma must leave us, sooner or later. rationally, i knew that. we are all here for a reason, and if she leaves, she must have fulfilled that purpose in her life, learnt her lesson, and concluded that chapter before it's time for her to move on. it's a happy thing for her. but the other part of me refused to let go bcoz she was my grandma... i was sad she had to go.. but she had to.

the last few years of her life

i realised she was getting old. and saw how she had aged... new wrinkles seem to have difficulty settling on her already aged face. she shrunk in size too, literally. coz she was big then and it feels safe to be by her side when i was much younger... and smaller. grandma dosent stay with us. she lives with one of my uncles.. and i seldom pay her visits during a year. a normal trip would usually take about an hour just to get to my uncle's place from mine. i found it quite a distance and rather time consuming everytime i went, but that wasnt the reason why i seldom visited grandma. it's just a family-relative political issue which im not going to raise here and is probably best left as it is. but lucky thing was, my grandma's family did got her a maid to take care of her daily necessities and movements during then.

grandma's health deteriorated during her last few years... i made efforts to visit her more frequently and regularly than i did before -- from once or twice a year to almost weekly or fortnightly visits. that's a challenge for me bcoz i had to juggle with more efficient time management in between work, part-time studying, adhoc hobbies, let aside occasional entertainment and bitching sessions with friends and buddies. mum told me grandma's memory was fading by the day... but i didnt realised it was that much until grandma asked mum this one day i visited her: ah-ngouh, who's this? (ah-ngouh is just what grandma calls my mum in teochew coz she's the 5th child in her family line).

oh, c'mon. stop playing. put the plug back.
i felt someone had just intentionally tripped on the plug that was attached to the mains and switched off the power. my grandma didnt recognise me. no, more accurately, she didnt recognise her grandsons and granddaughters except for her immediate children. was i relieved coz it's not just me she dosent recognise? no, i wasnt. it dosent change the fact that she didnt recognise me anymore, her granddaughter.

i felt disconnected. i couldnt reach it. the plug has to be somewhere.

the last few weeks of her life

elderly's illness.. that what they call it when an old folk reaches a certain old age and falls sick. grandma's was such an instance. she was 91. her body grew feeble, her immunity system grew weaker, and she was prone to bacterias and viruses attacks that are life-threatening but would otherwise be just a mild flu or diahoerra on us.

she was admitted to the hospital frequently for diahoerras and fevers. she was weak.. her skin which i touched was soft and thin, like it would tear easily if i even use any strength at all.

those few weeks were neck-breaking... i was in the mist of transition.. just quitted my job and was serving my notice period... and in another few weeks to go, i would be on my way to a new job. so during this time, i had to again, divide myself into many slices... while busy packing and clearing the loose ends of my work, lunchtime was especially a mad rush for me... i visited grandma at the hospital faithfully everyday during lunch hours. i found it a waste of time to queue and eat during those rush hours, so i basically only packed sandwiches and ate them after my visits everyday. i was surprised, but in fact, for the first time, i was glad to be still serving the resignation notice period bcoz grandma was admitted to the hospital just behind the building where my workplace was located.

she finally got better after a week, and i was excited to rush over during my break time to help her pack on her day of discharge. and as she packed, she thanked me and wondered to the maid, if i was the nurse or officer from the hospital.

may 29, 2004

i told myself to go back to work on a saturday. it wasnt so hard to convince myself bcoz i had wanted to pack and clear my stuffs on a day when irritating bosses and nuisance calls would not disturb. but still, going back to work on a saturday was so boring. oh well, nvm. just meet one of my gfs for lunch and we can go shopping! yep! my day wont be wasted then! that was what i thought.

the morning ended pretty fast and soon it was already noon. i didnt know why, but when it was time to knock off at 1230, i didnt feel like leaving on time. i knew i should get going soon bcoz i was supposed to meet my gf at 1300, but i just didnt. i even bothered to sms her to say i was still held up by my work and we'll meet up slightly later. but i wasnt held up. i was just lazing around and carelessly slouching in my chair. oh well, almost time to go now, i guess. but, maybe, just let me shop around the mall before i take the train? it's sat.. no one's with me now, and i feel like walking around all by myself.

i had almost thought the daily visits to the hospital on the week before was causing my little crankiness coz i had the intention of wanting to go to the hospital again for no particular reason. i even came up with excuses: i feel like buying a tidbit. a chocolate bar. a pack of twisties would be nice too. buy them from the vending machines. it's the only place where i can get mini-packed tidbits from the machines. c'mon dun be lazy. let's go now. i feel like taking a walk there suddenly. hey! i snapped. dun be crazy. why would i want to go back to hospital again? definitely grandma's already discharged, so dun even think about it. i brushed all thoughts away.

ok, 1301? hey, time to go! lunch and shopping, here i come!

i took the train and just few stops before i reached the destination, my phone had to ring.

me: (i saw it was my brother) hello. wats up?

bro: did u hear? grandma passed away at 1251, at the hospital (the one behind my workplace). she was admitted last night, but all of us didnt know... mum didnt get to see the last of her. where are u no.....w.... the words trailed off. had i gone back to the hospital, would it have changed anything? no, it wouldnt. dun be silly.

the last day of wake

i dun usually cry, especially if it's in the public. even my closest frens can hardly recall an instance in which i really cried in front of them. but that day, i specifically instructed my frens not to come over at night. i probably knew i wouldnt be able to hold myself back anymore.

grandma's snores

grandma's snores seem to be the only person's i could tolerate. some of my frens would know im a light sleeper and snores is just one of them that keeps me awake. i cant remember since when i acquired this habit, but back then, when grandma was snoring away in me and my brothers' bedroom, i was sure her snores had a calming effect on my nerves and it put me to sleep.

morning walks

grandma was a early person. she got up every morning at the crack of dawn and would go for morning walks. she love taking strolls and was proud of herself for being hale and hearty for someone in their late 70s. i was still a beginner with steps then, but i wanted to follow grandma to morning walks. it was one of the best memory i've had of grandma although i can only vaguely remember now. i love walking by her side. grandma was huge, and i always look at her back.. maybe bcoz i often had to toddle from behind. i realised how grandma must have loved taking strolls, bcoz during the time she was wheelbound when her legs were too weak to take her weight, she frequently fussed to get up for walks even though she knew she wasnt quite up to it.

correct posture

even when i was in my twenties, grandma always makes sure we maintain a correct posture whether we're standing or sitting down on chairs. and if we slouch, she makes sure she scolds and put the education right. i never find it a bother to listen to her, and in fact now, i missed having her by my side to nag at me whenever i slouch or whenever my bad table manners sneak up on me.

since young, i grew up to call grandma, Ama, coz all my other grandparents either died before i was born or when i was oblivious to the happenings of the world. just for the benefit of some, let me try to explain this: for an asian family, u usually cant call your maternal grandma Ama bcoz it's a salutation that's used on paternal grandma, and it would be disrepectful to the paternal side.

i grew up in a family with two traditional-mindset dominated parents... meaning, we would not openly demonstrate love for each other even though we care. no, we do not show it by hugs or smooches, and the most caring question u can get would be: have u eaten? what time are u coming home? pls take your dinner soon. so, i've never really hugged or kissed my grandma when i grew up or more so, when i reached the age of which it was awkward to demonstrate openly.

i know this must be a long blog tonite bcoz there are so much of it i wanted to remember... but it would seem silly of me to write them all here, wouldnt it? i guess all pain's similiar in this way. the end of something. a friendship. a relationship. the passing of another. an experience. all things happen for a reason. cherish every moment, good or bad.

and if she lived again, i want to tell her.. i love u, grandma...